PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924.
Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
KIMBERLY MASON: Hi, Peter.
SAGAL: Hi. Who's this?
MASON: This is Kimberly Mason (ph) from Westerville, Ohio.
SAGAL: OK. And how are you doing? Ohio is actually pretty early to the whole quarantine thing, so...
MASON: Oh, we've been shut in for many days already.
SAGAL: Yeah. Do you have any advice for those of us who are now sort of starting to endure it, as well?
MASON: Learn some new card games, call your friends and watch a lot of TV.
SAGAL: Yeah, I guess that all - I guess you were pioneers in all of those things. Well, welcome to the show, Kimberly. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two the limericks, you'll be a big winner. You ready to play?
MASON: I'm ready.
SAGAL: Here is your first limerick.
BILL KURTIS: Buttered bread with a filling is common, but there's censure from Internet lawmen. Even Brits have some scruples about Cup O'Noodles. You can't make a sandwich with...
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Everybody is now eating meals scrounged from the very back of the pantry, and one woman in England has now set the bar with a ramen noodle sandwich. The salty meal is a cooked package of ramen between two pieces of Wonder Bread. Kind of puts your peanut butter and tuna sandwich to shame.
Have you guys when you find yourself because you hadn't been to the store recently, and you can't go out to a restaurant - I mean, is there anything really weird that you've found yourself eating?
MAZ JOBRANI: I've just been eating a lot.
SAGAL: Yes, there is that. We're all eating way too much because there's nothing else to do.
JOBRANI: I'm telling you, like, as the day goes, I'm, like, well, you know, I did all right earlier. I had a banana, and I had some oatmeal. So I can have some chocolate and ice cream.
SAGAL: Yeah, why not? Here is your next limerick.
KURTIS: In the ward with these silly guys next to me, I'd prefer watching sports that have yet to be. I had scheduled my snip for a March Madness trip. Since it's off, it's a wasted...
SAGAL: Very good.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
PAULA POUNDSTONE: Wow.
LUKE BURBANK: Wow.
KURTIS: How did you get that? That's fantastic.
SAGAL: Somebody is paying off a bet here at our offices because we thought nobody could get that.
KURTIS: You don't find that on the Internet.
SAGAL: That's true. Actually, you do, Bill. But don't search for it.
BURBANK: Oh, you do.
SAGAL: According to The Washington Post...
SAGAL: ...Men traditionally like to plan their vasectomies around March Madness. But now, with basketball canceled, all the people who scheduled the procedure are finding themselves trapped inside with their kids and panic-buying bags of frozen vegetables to sit on.
BURBANK: (Laughter) Too late.
POUNDSTONE: This scheduling around basketball wouldn't have occurred to me in a million years.
SAGAL: Well, it's - this is actually a thing. In fact, I believe it was Buffalo Wild Wings for a promotion said, if you've gotten a vasectomy so you can watch March Madness without anybody bothering you - because you have to rest. You see, that's the idea. Oh, I might as well rest in front of the TV with something fun to watch. They actually offered a cooled seat for people who had just had the surgery to sit on...
SAGAL: ...In Buffalo Wild Wings.
BURBANK: That Buffalo Wild Wings is now actually full of buffalo that have wandered into the mall...
BURBANK: ...And made it their home because we now live in a dystopian future.
JOBRANI: It's true.
SAGAL: Here is your last limerick.
KURTIS: This facial snob is a real arch fellow, for he claims it leaves skin a real harsh yellow. I will clean all my pores with the soft hearts of s'mores. For my facial, I use melted...
SAGAL: Very good, Kimberly.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
KURTIS: You're the best I've ever heard.
SAGAL: The latest thing in beauty - the new marshmallow facial. They use extract from the marshmallow plant, known in the medical world for its soothing qualities. That explains why children are always so calm after eating a sleeve of Peeps.
BURBANK: If there is a time in our history that we don't want to be covering our hands in marshmallow and then applying it to our face, it's right now...
BURBANK: ...When we're running out of soap and hand sanitizer. I was scouring the Internet looking for hand sanitizer. I finally found some on Amazon, ordered it, was very excited. Turns out I ordered something called ham sanitizer, which I guess is for cleaning your ham.
BURBANK: It's zero use to me. So I'm just saying, look closely at what you're ordering.
POUNDSTONE: You know, it occurs to me that the government now has to put out things saying, don't touch your marshmallows to your face...
POUNDSTONE: ...Which just shouldn't be necessary in any time in our history.
SAGAL: Bill, how did Kimberly do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Perfect. She put us all to shame. Good going, Kimberly.
SAGAL: Well done. Thank you so much...
POUNDSTONE: Thanks, Kimberly - great job.
SAGAL: ...Kimberly. Take care.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "I WANT SOME MORE")
DAN AUERBACH: (Singing) You got sweet lips like I did never taste before. Oh, I want some more. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.