Sandwich Monday: Caffeinated Beef Jerky

By Ian Chillag

Published June 2, 2014 at 4:01 PM CDT

Today's fitness nuts (and caffeine junkies) have all sorts of energy foods at their disposal: Powerbars, Sport Beans, actual Fitness Nuts ^TM.

But until now, athletes or office workers who wanted their caffeine in the form of desiccated meat were out of luck.

Enter .

Mike:This is disappointing. I assumed Perky Jerky was made from Couric meat.

Eva: I enjoy this jerky with freshly milked Five Hour Energy drink.

Peter: The jerky works! It's been 10 minutes since I ate some and I am feeling a bit more like a jerk.

Ian: They should have called these Cowerbars.

Robert: It's actually called jerky for the spasms you get five minutes after eating it.

This is actually an animated GIF. Ian stared at it, motionless, for 45 minutes.

Eva: Yes. It's the perfect way to start, and end, my day before 8 a.m.

Miles: I'm just glad they didn't go the other way with it. I don't know if I could stomach a hickory smoked latte.

Ian: It's like Red Bull, with actual bull.

Miles: I prefer Perky Jerky to Jerky Jerky, the beef jerky that insults your mom.

For a traditional caffeine experience, Robert put his Perky Jerky in a mug. The half-and-half was a bad idea, though.

Eva: "Perky Jerky and cigarettes" doesn't quite have the same French chicness.

Peter: Perky isn't a very manly word. They should have called it Very Masculine-ky Jerky.

Robert: When my dad used to say "have some jerky," I never knew if he was using his nickname for me or telling me to eat. Could have been "Have some, Jerky."

Robert was somewhere around Barstow, at the edge of the desert, when the Perky Jerky began to take hold.

Steven:Maybe we'll get a caffeinated burger next. Then we'll have the energy to change eating positions on the couch.

Peter: How do they get caffeine into the jerky? Do they make the cows drink coffee?

Ian: The venison one is called Starbucks.

We last saw Robert at 12:08 p.m. CDT. If you see him, do not approach. Call the authorities immediately.

Miles: Don't even talk to me until I've had my first cup of jerky.

Robert: Upton Sinclair is posthumously adding a chapter to The Jungle just to cover this.

[The verdict: Not the best jerky we've ever had, but preferable to a Powerbar. Imagine the looks you'll get at the starting line of a 5K when you're the only one there gnawing on a chunk of meat. It's worth it just for that.]

Sandwich Monday is a satirical feature from the humorists at Wait, Wait ... Don't Tell Me!