For Iranian-American Dorsa Derakhshani, the perils faced by the more than 90 million people who live in Iran began well before the U.S. and Israel started a war with the country on February 28.
"[The Iranian government has] been oppressing Iranian people for almost the past five decades," she said. "It's just a different type of unsafety [now] … as people in Iran are living under the fear of, 'Am I going to die today from my government, or am I going to die today from [a] bomb?"
It's been six weeks since Derakhshani has had direct contact with immediate and extended family in her home country. Iranian authorities cut civilian access to the internet and communications once the war started. It's a tactic frequently imposed by the government — one Derakhshani said is an example of the regime not caring about the safety of its citizens.
"They know how much people need to communicate [and] how much people need to keep up with what's happening. If, for example, there's going to be bombing on specific locations or times, the Iranian people inside Iran will not know it because not only [do they not] have access to this information, but the Iranian state media does not share that information," she said.
For Derakhshani, the blackout is not just a reminder of why she left Iran in 2016, but also an example of why she feels mixed emotions about the war.
"It's hard to just say this is good this is bad, because it's not just all black and white," she said. "There's a lot more layers and a lot more nuances that I think it's just so hard for people in the U.S. to understand."
Derakhshani left Iran when she was 18 years old, after she was barred from playing for the country's national chess team because she refused to wear a hijab at an international tournament. In 2017, she came to St. Louis to study at St. Louis University and competed for the university's chess team. Now a Mizzou medical student, St. Louis Chess Club instructor and U.S. citizen, she lives in Columbia, Missouri, with her mother and her cat Pishi.
She said it's been hard to focus on her studies since the civilian protests in Iran in late December, when Iranian armed forces killed an estimated thousands to tens of thousands of protesters.
"We are watching from outside, worrying, trying to look at the pictures that are being posted of thousands and thousands of Iranians who protested and ended up in body bags. I'm looking at those pictures and seeing, is there anyone that I know in these pictures?" she said. "I would have to kind of turn off my emotional side because I need my brain to be working the best it can. But it's not easy."
Most of Derakhshani's friends and coworkers in the U.S. have been understanding and supportive, she said, but it still feels "impossible to carry on with day to day life."
"I'm not being directly attacked, I'm physically okay, but I don't have the bandwidth to deal with the things that I'm supposed to be handling because so much of my energy is going to just being okay," she said.
It's also been eye opening, Derakhshani added, to see how other people in the U.S. see the effects of the war.
"One of my high school friends posted something on her story that somebody was making a joke about: 'Now that the Strait of Hormuz is closed, will we get our Shein packages on time?'" she said. "It's so unreal that we both live in the same world and we have such different perspectives and experiences."
Derakhshani said she's been able to meet medical school deadlines by compartmentalizing her feelings, but small things have caused her to fall apart, including the video of a woman singing the song "Khodahafez" on the streets of Iran — where women are banned from singing in public.
"This young girl was singing, and as soon as she heard a small police whistle, she stopped. And the fear [in] that scene, just thinking about it, I have a mix of rage and a mix of, I can't get that song out of my head," Derakhshani said.
Derakhshani gained international recognition when she left Iran to play chess in the U.S., and she wants to use her platform to bring awareness to the plight of the Iranian people — including those in the Iranian diaspora.
"I never felt the sense of belonging in Iran. I never fit in. And for a lot of us, that is a huge thing that we don't even know we're missing," she said. "If you have Iranian friends, second generation, third generation, whoever — check on them. Try to be as compassionate as you can and make us feel not alone in this time."
As U.S. and Iranian negotiators continue to negotiate terms of a precarious ceasefire, Derakhshani continues to look for information about her Iranian family members' wellbeing. News reports show that the neighborhood her grandparents live in was bombed, as well as the location where her father works as a physician.
She holds onto one clue that suggests they were alive as of mid-March: a WhatsApp message from an Iranian who smuggled handwritten notes out of the country.
"It was a picture of a handwritten message, that was basically saying, 'We're okay. We knew this would happen eventually, and no matter what happens, we're proud of you,'" Derakhshani said.
"But I wish we had more recent news."
In conversation with "St. Louis on the Air" host Elaine Cha, Dorsa Derakhshani shared how growing up under the Iranian regime influences her perspective on the conflict, the need for greater compassion for the plight of the Iranian people, and her hopes for the future. Listen to the podcast episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or click the play button below.
"St. Louis on the Air" brings you the stories of St. Louis and the people who live, work and create in our region. The show is produced by Miya Norfleet, Emily Woodbury, Danny Wicentowski, Elaine Cha and Alex Heuer. Layla Halilbasic is our production assistant. The audio engineer is Aaron Doerr.
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